The Search for Self Artist: たみ。
This little break in production on Ridiculousness has been extremely productive for me. I've been able to get a lot of stuff done around the house that's been driving me crazy. The usual stuff: messy closets, cluttered garage, burned out lightbulbs, etc. It's such a relief to knock those things down that have been gently nagging at me. Throwing stuff away, fixing broken things, clearing out space.
Whether it's the spirit of the New Year or just a coincidence of convergence, that happened on a more cerebral level as well. Throwing stuff away, fixing broken things, clearing out space.
I've been off. Just lost. Not sure where I'm headed or what I want in my life. Time goes quickly when you have children (and even if you don't), so years can slip away before you realize you've completely lost your identity. You've forgotten what you like. You've been running off the groove in the road for longer than you can remember. It's a theme this year in these posts so far, I know, but it's a big theme. The past few weeks have been important for me because I've started to remember who I am and what I like...and what I want.
I want to make things that I'm passionate about now instead of putting those things on some back burner until [future date]. I enjoy the show I work on. I spent the past 7 years working my ass off on three+ shows, with more ahead. But there's no reason to let that be the only thing I'm doing. For so long, I've had ideas that I never follow up on. Videos I want to make, shorts I want to direct, scripts I want to write. All mostly dormant. This year, I will attack them.
You see, I'm a fraud. I'm one of the best people you can have in your ear if you're tentative about wanting to do something. I'll cheer you on and tell you you need to do it and list the reasons why not doing it is a huge mistake. I can see it so clearly when it's other people. It's so obvious: Don't wait. Do it now.
But I mostly ignore my own advice. When it comes to projects I really want to make, I hide behind excuses like work and time and [other bullshit reasons].
So I had this breakthrough. I don't care what people think anymore. I really, genuinely don't. That doesn't mean I'm not sensitive to criticism. Of course I'm still exposed and raw and terrified of being laughed at, but I don't care. I know my flaws. I know my weaknesses. I know what I like.
That [future date]; that date when I'll finally be able to do all the things; the date I've been saving up all my good ideas for is here. It's now.
Nothing needs to be perfect right away. Something pretty good can get better. Starting somewhere is the key. Something never made is nothing.
I love that no one knows I'm writing here again.
It's like shitty inspirational cat calendar notes to myself:
JAN7: DON'T WAIT! (picture of cat working at a laptop)
