logjam

I'm jammed up lately.

I mean, I have this obscenely long Florida story (which is now approaching tome length), but my former zeal, when it comes to blogging, seems to have temporarily evaporated. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm a very conflicted person. Part of me enjoys accolades and performing onstage and writing and responding in a forum with a modest readership, but the other part of me is chronically shy; to the point where it affects my behavior and mood and there are times when I want nothing less in life than having lots of attention focused on me. It's very odd.

I have friends who are always on. Ask them to do their bits and they'll whip out their best characters or impressions or jokes or voices or whatever they have. Not me. Put me on the spot in a room full of people and I clam up. Unless I get to control the when and where, I'm embarrassed when people find me interesting or talented or worthy of attention when I'm not expecting it (Even if undeserved. Especially if undeserved). I always have. It's actually something I wish I could get over. Part of it is modesty, but it's more than that. It's a fear of failure.

I used to have a theory when I first moved here. My theory was that instead of putting on a confident persona and muscling my way through awkward auditions and cringe-inducing general meetings with casting people, I'd just be myself. If I just acted normally, I thought, someone would spot the talent buried underneath the somewhat bland guy sitting in their even blander office. I've always imagined myself to be one of those people with a ton of hidden ability that will make everyone eventually say, "Where did THIS guy come from? Who knew he could do all of that?" (yes, yes I know some call that "delusions of grandeur") I hoped maybe success boiled down to more than just networking and glad-handing and buzz and heat and the trades.

The hard lesson for me has been, usually not. That's not a criticism of this town or the way it works or the people who are successful here, it's a fact.

I've managed to have a fairly lackluster acting career since moving here in the Summer of '95. Although I've got quite a few commercials under my belt, my TV and Film credits are thin. In fact, if it weren't for theatre, I'd barely be able to call myself an actor. I've performed in various theatres all over town since I moved here, but I still feel like it's all been warm-up for something bigger. That's one problem with LA Theatre: Actors are doing it to get somewhere else. That's not good enough. An actor does not sit around waiting for Hollywood to call. An actor gets his ass onstage. An actor can't not be onstage. An actor lives, breathes and dreams about acting. An actor, in the words of someone who knew efficient sentences, ACTS.

How quickly that simple part of the equation is forgotten here in Los Angeles! How willing we are to accept the fact that most "actors" here in LA act no more than a few weeks a year! How hard it is to accept the fact that when you stay away from something for too long, it might be time to call yourself by your actual profession and not by your fantasy!

So I'm conflicted in so many ways, but for this paragraph, I'm conflicted about my career. I enjoy my new job a lot and I'm looking forward to working on the production side of things again for the next fourteen weeks or so. I enjoy income. I enjoy the people around me in my life. I enjoy the fact that I can wear many hats in this town...

...or shoes, if you're keeping track.

But if you ask me what my secret dream is...

If you ask me what I wish I could be doing more than anything else in the world...

If you ask me what I want so badly that it causes me to fuck up most opportunities in that world because that particular want is palpable in bland little rooms that make me cringe...

I'd tell you that I still want to be a real actor.

I'd tell you that to be part of the cast on a show like Six Feet Under or Battlestar Galactica or Rome or Deadwood or ER or even an upstart untitled improvised sitcom would be such a dream come true that it's almost inconceivable to me.

I'd tell you that at some point along the way, I may have gone back to stalling, hoping that somehow someone sees the buried talent and asks, "Where was this guy?"

He was not calling agents. He was surfing the internet. He was at a bar. He was out to dinner. He was sleeping. He was putting it off. He was coming up with reasons why it was okay not to. He was lamenting the passage of time. He was living his real life. He was jealous of his friends. He was cursing blown chances. He was hoping for an easy way in. He was doing lots of other things. He was stalling. He was afraid, even after touting the fact that he was fearless. He was saving too much of himself. He refused to be seen. He relied too heavily on friends that couldn't help him. He stopped trying.

And so, that's been on my mind. That and some other stuff.

And still this post seems frivolous and self-centered in the wake of Katrina, and still I feel conflicted about blogging. But the answer to why is: It's for me that I write these things. I pour it out and face it and hopefully discover that it was never as scary as it was when it was intangible.

That's reason enough to keep me writing, but it doesn't soften the blow when the tangible is actually harder to deal with than the intangible.

Comments

[Colleen]

You know, Shane - it's these bare-it-all heartfelt posts in your blog that make your faithful readership say, "Where did THIS guy come from? Who knew he could do all of that?"

Your talent amazes us all.

[Rarity]

You're spot on Colleen. This is the kind of stuff that I love to read, because it makes me feel sane, Shane!

You put it beautifully, what we're all experiencing in our own slightly varied ways. Granted, for me it's not about acting, but it IS the same reality for all of us, who want to BE something, make a difference and be the best WE can be.

Sometimes we have the little extra that makes us JUST DO IT! But, other times we do need to slow down and just exist! That's how I see it, anyway.

[nalathil]

It's a choice right? To play the game, or not. Sounds like the conflict is based on what you're willing to do to get where you want to be.

Also, nobody can tell you if you're good/talented/etc. *You* have to know this about yourself ... and yet, paradoxically, not let it get out of control and turn into one of "those" actors. You know, an arsehole.

It's time to choose. But that's just my opinion that you'll find the strength to do so.

[la ketch]

yes, it's all true. keep writing please!

[doug]

Hello,

Having walked this actor's journey along side you, metaphorically, I empathize with everything you say. It's so spot-on that it's almost painful to read - but that means it's true. Keep on.

[revenant5]

This is a realization I desperately wish my girlfriend would make. For years before I met her, she limped by on minimum wage and the goodwill of her friends, wasting a college degree on "somedays" and "I don't plan to be this way forever." She has not had that epiphany moment where she realizes that it takes real commitment and not a small amount of bowing and scraping to get where you want in the world- regardless of the career path you choose. And my telling her that, of course, only makes her more resolved to prove that my way can't be the right way.

As someone who did find the job they wanted and chased it until I got it, it makes me very happy to watch people abandon the empty talk and do the same.

[JM]

If this is truly what you want, Nickyblog, then my god man, do it.

Clearly, you have support.

But concealed talent brings no reputation. Be generous. Share what you have with an audience.

And don’t think you haven’t earned the right to be up there either.

Because you have.

There is nothing that cannot happen today. –Mark Twain

[AJ]

You've got a great, supportive community here, SN. And you've had an impact on many peoples lives (including mine) and I'm not even sure you realize it.

[Magazine Man]

The logjam is natural, even necessary, for those with ambition. Giving yourself permission to feel the conflict is not a bad thing, it's wisdom at work, man. And if we miss you here for a few days while you engage in that conflict, so be it. But understand, we DO miss you.

Your ambition to be a "real actor" (whatever that is) still lives. Persevere, and know that you will prevail.

And this is coming from someone who's seen "Rebound Guy" more than once. Voluntarily! ;-)

Hang in there, brother.

[Tina]

Shane,

Man. I totally get that, I absolutely relate, the thing of "people will see my little light shining under here, and they'll appreciate that I didn't blast in into their faces." Hell, I'm an actor up here in Seattle, and it took me almost ten years to get headshots together (thankfully I was in a couple of theatre companies, so I was working steadily). I hesitated because it seemed boorish to send people an enormous photograph of my head! Even though all actors do it! Like they were going to be all, headshot, headshot, headshot, who's THIS egomaniac??

Hey, listen, man. You moved to LA. You're there. You had the balls to do that. Here's my take. Yes, you've got some fear going on, but don't let that turn into a voice that says you're not a real actor. What you are, as far as I can tell, is sensitive. Sensitive is tough for the business, yes, but freakin' great for the craft! If it's a little tougher for you to slam it out there in front of everyone, take a moment every day and give yourself credit for the reason it's tough. It's good to be sensitive. You can fucking bet Ralph Fiennes is sensitive - look at him up there. Honor that, and then do what you have to do to work around it. But don't get down on your nature, and don't give up the dream.

I don't think these dreams are put in us as a practical joke from above, I really don't.

[Eve]

Wow- you are a joy to read. Insight, sensitivity, humour, intelligence, creativity, openness, talent- you've GOT IT, Shane. I think you are so goddamn brave. Even with your drive and your career, you seem to balance your life and family so beautifully.
I am a fan, in what seems to be a growing fanclub, all of us rooting for you.

[Kate]

Me, too.

And what everyone else said.

There is a quote that I can't seem to find, but it goes something like, "We aren't afraid of fading into the crowd, we are afraid of the light that is within us and that it might, if we give the the power, burn too brightly and illuminate the world."

[Helena]

I am afraid of success as much as I am afraid of failure. If I really put it out there, REALLY, there is a chance it's going to be rejected in a real way. Or accepted. And THEN what? Gads!

Instead of idly toying with this idea, and living in a world insulated by Maybes, I'd have to face reality.

The only thing really stopping me is that I don't think I'm good enough, right enough, ENOUGH.

And the bottom line is that every day I don't do it, is one more day I spend denying myself the joy of living my dream.

What could make someone like this believe they are good enough, and deserve it? If you find out first, let me know. I promise to do the same.

[revenant5]

In response to Helena's post-

The only thing that ever helped me was my parents expectations. That may not be helpful; not all parents' expectations are realistic, and not all parents approve of our goals. But hearing that request for a progress report, day in and day out, not wanting to incur the wrath of the people upon whom I was dependent by appearing to idly enjoy their assistance- it can be a powerful motivator.

Now, that was the immediate, post-college me. But maybe it does take having someone you care about crack the whip for you. A husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling that's willing to push you, encourage, and yes, condemn your idleness.

I've come to believe that it's not what you deserve, but what opportunities you make for yourself that really defines you. People don't, unless we're really lucky, discover us while we're working the cash register at the local Boston Market and ask us to come work for them.

I've fought with not being "enough" all my life, and something my friend told me once has always stuck out.

"Sometimes," he said, "you've just gotta stand up and take it in the teeth."

Every time I think about something hard or unpleasant that I have to do, every time I have to make a stand I know is going to be unpopular, every time I extend myself and risk rejection, I remember that. I remember that the truth of life is choice- and the hard choices are usually the most rewarding.

(can anyone tell that this subject has also been occupying me a lot lately?)

[Fitz]

Your life and who you "are" are not dictated by your career. Aspirations and the motivation to achieve those aspirations are both important; however you should not succumb to focusing solely on them. Instead of focusing on the end goal, use the interim to add to your experiences and life lessons.

Br,
Fitz

[Batonga]

Man what a post and what comments. Wow... I have to say, coming completly and totlally from a self centered point of view... past the fact that you are great at writing and expressing yourself,
You summed up in the last few paragraphs my exact weekend of log jam and weight of things issues... amazing. Great writing Shane.

[E]

I could echo everything said before me, but I'll leave it at this...if I could write even a fraction as well as you do, I'd feel successful. If your acting approximates the skill of your writing, you just need to dig deep and find the courage. Someone, somewhere will ask the question "where has this guy been?"

[shane]

A note to you all to thank you for your kind, encouraging words. It's certainly a nice reminder that I have friends out there I've never even met. I've never been afraid to "take it in the teeth." My hands have been bloodied beating at the doors; my voice tired from begging the gatekeepers; my resolve strengthened by every naysayer. Still, it's tiring. A rest can be addictive and linger too long.

[naiah]

I must be in a mood because I'm actually crying. It was actually your comment above that put me over the edge. I'm sorry.

[ps]

shane, what, in my humble opinion, sets you apart from a lot of the people who write about themselves in the blogosphere is your emotional self-awareness, and your ability to express your feelings with clarity. that's the reason i periodically click on this URL, anyway--reading your blog is a bit like watching a familiar stranger open himself up to his therapist.

but after reading this entry, i kinda wonder whether your ability to self-dissect in this way, and whether your penchant for doing so, is really a way to pass the time, or whether it has, maybe inadvertently, become a project of such depth and consumption that it is now preventing you from simply getting out of the virtual therapist's chair and actively pursuing your ambitions. if you sink too deeply into what you feel, in other words, you might lose your will/drive to get up and do. is that what's happening? if you're this conflicted about blogging, maybe you're at the stage where you no longer want to reflect on your situation, but, rather, want to change it. and if that's the case, maybe you should gather the strength that this (purifying?) exercise has given you, and, instead of dissecting every feeling, insecurity and hope, put all those emotions aside for a bit and take your chances out in the real world.

[ps]

ps
we're all behind you.

[Ray]

As easy as it may be sometimes to find shortcoming in our own abilities, there's always reason to celebrate how amazing those abilities really are.

Two statistics to back that up.

For you: 185,869. That's the number on your hitcounter as I type this. I mean, dude. That's a lot of lives touched. (It's also close to the number of miles a photon of light travels in one whole second, which has to count for something.)

For me: 1. That's the number of known hits I got on something I wrote yesterday which I was sooo damn proud of. Yet as I think about it, one is enough. One smile, one a-ha, one common bond is a good day's work for me compared to, say, not trying at all.

Now multiply that by the approximate population of Grand Rapids, Michigan and that's where you are. I'm happy to have found that place.

[dansroka]

"...'Where was this guy?' He was not calling agents. He was surfing the internet. He was at a bar. He was out to dinner. He was sleeping. He was putting it off. ..."

This passage is priceless. As soon as I read it, I recognized myself. I'm a fine art photographer, and have been struggling through a difficult creative patch for about a month now. I was getting stuck on the shoals of wondering where it all was leading. I was delaying but calling it thinking, I was procrastinating but calling it research. But your post slapped me across the face (in a *good* way) and got me to wake up. I stopped reading, grabbed tthe camera, and shot more work in half and hour than I had in the weeks prior.

Thank you!

[claire]

What you've written here is so familiar to me, though your hunger for acting gives you a clarity I lack.

Your subsequent post (re-lease) is encouraging. I'm proud of you for continuing to pursue the dream even though the struggle can be difficult for you. It's something I hope to get better at.